The problem
with many
dogs nowadays
is that they forget
that a human is not just
for Christmas, it is for life. Shortly after being born, many puppies (with
the naivety
and inexperience
of youth,
I must add) impulse
buy a human. They
seem to think
that owning
humans will be all play, forgetting that
the first few
months are the hardest
and that theyll have
to work like ahard worker.
This essential guide
will help
you through
those first
months and hopefully, provide all first-time people buyers with some invaluable insight into
the bizarre workings of the
human mind.
1.
Entering the house. Once
you walk into the house (an over-sized
kennel), mark
your territory
immediately. Ideal locations for
doing this include any expensive looking rugs or elderly relatives that
are lying around. If the humans
yell at you, do it again. It is important that you let them know
who is
boss. 2. Make
yourself at home.
Humans love home improvement, so
try to add a bit of yourself to the house by altering the furniture.
This is very easy to do, just nibble off the corner of a coffee table or scratch a door to pieces. Dont be afraid to use
your imagination and try something new; my
personal favourite is moving lots of human food from the inside of
their fridge to the adjacent floor. When the humans discover your work, make sure you sit next to it and wag your
tail so that
they realise whom to accredit the alterations to. If they become over excited, mark your
territory. 3.
Avoiding danger. Shortly after you have settled in your new home, many humans will come to visit
you. However, you need to be careful
as you will inevitably encounter Children (mini humans; remember, the smaller the human, the
more dangerous they are). Many children will insist
on attacking you; theyll either rapidly tap you on the
head or scratch your ear. This may be painful, or even just plain
annoying, but please, please do not
run away. Stay still (perhaps wag your tail as a sign of impatience) and pray that the mini-humans will lose interest. If you do attempt escape, the children will rapidly pursue you. Indeed, nature knows no worse predator
than a determined mini-human. Upon cornering you, the children will awkwardly hoist you in the
air and scratch/tap you some more. For emergency escape, mark your territory.
The child will quickly
abandon you. (This is not
strictly true, the smallest mini-humans, the variety referred to as Bairns, Babies or Lil Tykes will probably mark their territory as
well and then continue harassing you. Whimper to let them know that they have won and they will hopefully abandon you)
4. New Tricks: The older you get, the harder
these are to learn, but humans will try to
teach you certain performance pieces. They will often spend seven laborious hours with you (one in human time) getting you to act like them for various delicious
rewards. Remember: the
more you
fail, the bigger the reward. It is imperative that you let the humans know that you will only perform for them if they pay you with treats. The famous actress Lassie infamously forgot this golden rule. Apparently, she
started off performing tricks such as sit without edible rewards, and before long
was rescuing mini-humans from mine shafts for little more than an affectionate pat on the head.
5. Exercise: Take your humans for walks
regularly. Humans are
notoriously lazy so will need much encouragement. When walking, you will have your humans on a lead (a cable designed to
enable dogs to tow and guide their humans to various destinations). The humans will frequently
pull on this lead and slow you down, but you must not let them walk at a
normal pace; they will not get proper exercise if they go too slowly.
Once you are off the
lead, you must protect your humans from any passing cats or cyclists. Furthermore, many humans suffer from acute amnesia in
open spaces. Indeed, they very often drop a ball or a stick on the walk, which you have to return to
them. Moments later, they will drop the object again. Make sure you are patient and bring the
discarded object back to them each time, otherwise they will forget it.
When you return to the house, demonstrate that you realise that you are home by marking your territory.
6. Conversational English: Here are a collection of human phrases that you will
find useful (do not repeat them, humans find it disturbing if their canine
owners talk back to them in the same language).
Sit! - Take the weight off your
feet and rest on your haunches.
Dinner! I have poured some dry, meat flavour biscuits into a bowl. Please try it.
Din-dins! Walkies!- Please take me outside.
Good Boy/Girl Congratulations are in order.
Vet- Run for your life.
Wilmas next article will be published
soon. For the mean time, dogs are welcome to try her earlier work, the self-help
book Finding
Your Inner Puppy
Wilma Woof is the author pen name for pet humour articles published on
http://www.allpetservices.co.uk, a
free directory for pet services, pet sitting, dog walking, and more.